have you had a husband that changed their personality following bereavement ?

[Freckles]

My husband lost his father (terminal illness) in March 2008. We knew for 3 yrs that he was terminal and that it could be any time. I know this does not make it any easier, and there is no right way to grieve as each person copes differently and you cant judge people. But before his fathers death our marrige was fun, and we were close (he is a quiet person anyway but we were like peas in a pod ) and our sex life was great. Its now 17 months on and our marriage strained and on the rocks and we have become just friends. I have been patient, waited but he has been moody, given up all the hobbies he loved ie mountain biking, and I have not nagged at all, just tried to encourage him to get back to what he loves. But he is more shut off, when the kids are not around he is quiet with me and does not recognise how moody he has been. Our sex life is vertually non existant. I took him away for a weekend just us, and he rejected me. Does bereavement cause such a change in a marriage ? At my families party in May he got drunk and flirted with someone, and was an idiot. I had been in hospital with jaundice due to gall stones for 3 months prior to this party and I felt so hurt that he did this. He has apologised since but my friends think he has been in denial re bereavement and went off the rails . I am a nurse and think he has had mild depression, but he will not listen. He is an only child so it is difficult for him, but surely now is the time to give something back to our marriage ? He does not recognise how he is with others even his friends have noticed and said how quiet and distant he is. What do I do, as I have lost my husband and he is a stranger to me. I have tried everything, even given him space and that has made no difference. He has not mentioned his dad at all and he does not see he has changed. His mother has suggested he goes to the Gp but he is not that depressed that he needs this just is stubborn and pig headed and will not take advise from others.Help ps sorry about long story.

[Sally]

i am exactly in your shoes. my husband became a changed person after his father died. we are separated and will get divorced. the fact that the inlaws and i don't like each other didn't help either.

[billy]

This is a really tough question to answer with good advice, as your husband seems to be going through some complicated inner turmoil that he does not acknowledge, let alone understand.

My advice to you would be to not give up on him- as hard as this may be given the amount of time you have already invested in trying to pull him out of this situation.

Unfortunately there is only one person who can do that- your husband.

It sounds like he is really hurting inside, and by not confronting these feelings they are manifesting themselves in a numbness that is sapping his energy and "love of life"

He is probably confused by this change and yet feels unable to pull himself out of it, therefore his self esteem is hurt even more and he is at best stuck in a rut, and at worst at the start of a downward spiral that is in danger of getting out of control. Given that he is currently not happy with who he is, there is no way he could be capable of showing you affection and love, but that doesn't mean that it is not there.

Getting drunk and flirting with someone else sounds like a cry for help to me, I wouldn't read it as a sign he doesn't care for you any more.

Its clear the current approach you are taking is not working, and to be honest I feel that you must get him to speak to someone in a professional capacity. Counselling is a good start. Just being able to talk things through with someone completely impartial can help to open up and release feelings you don't even know are there.

You must approach this in a kind, compassionate and firm way- he is likely to be quite upset by the suggestion and you do not want to push him further away from you.

Try to be supportive- sometimes the littlest things can mean a great deal. Don't force him to talk if he is not ready- nagging will only make things worse.

I find that sporting activities can really help to lift the spirits in depressed people- if you can get him interested in his bike again it could be the start

good luck, I hope it works out for you- if you can help him through this he will be eternally grateful and you two will share a deeper bond and your marriage will be all the stronger for it.

[Billie]

Don;t apologise about typing a long story, you wrote your feelings down very perfectly indeed and gave a fair and honest true impression of this dreadful situation that you are in. As a nurse yourself you know only too well if its depression and just how bad that is. Again as the wife it is you who again only knows to well her husband who seems to have changed so much almost without recognition these last 17 months or so. The thing that struck me most was when you said about him being in denial as to being depressed in the first place. I had never thought about depression as a thing that a person would deny, whereas addictions such as drug and booze then yes we all associate those addicted as being in denial to start with.

Anyway, that is neither here nor there. Your husband should be over the loss of his father by now, no matter how close they were, and although there is not a time scale for such things, it sounds in a way that perhaps he is using this as an excuse to be behaving so badly toward you now. Of course we miss our parents when they die, but one would have thought he would have picked up his life again by now. Do you think its possible that he is using the death of his father as an excuse to have changed. Perhaps this change in him was coming on before the father died even though you may not have seen this change in him.

I hope that your close to his family and that you get on with his Mother, for even though she says he should go and see his GP, she may hold the key as to why her son has changed so much in these recent months.

The only option that you really have is to sit down and have a deadly serious talk with him. Tell him outright that he is not the man you married, and that if he will not seek help, or say why he has changed, and why things have gone wrong with him, then you will have no option other than being a doormat to him for the rest of your married life, always walking on egg shells so to speak, or telling him outright that your marriage cannot go on this way. It does have a ring about it that is possibly saying he may not want to stay married, and that is not down to the death of his father at all, that if its true, has been brewing for quite some time.

I know these words are not helpful, and I truly wish they could be for you, but its sad to hear that you are suffering these problems now, especially as you have done nothing wrong yourself. You have stood by his side and giving him time and respect, well its time now he pulled up his socks and at least thanked you for that. But he needs to be truthful with you now, he has no right to string you along emotionally.

Talk to him away from the home environment, it will stop things cascading into an argument, or him slamming off. It's often better to get these problems of the heart sorted out over say a evening meal in a restaurant, he will be forced to sit and listen then.

I hope you get to the bottom of it all, and I hope more so that you both are able to save the marriage, its so unfair that you are being hurt and have done nothing to deserve or cause this pain of his.

Good Luck.

[Tao]

I am not a GP or a clinical therapist but I would say that your husband is depressed and not a little either. He is showing classic symptoms of depression he feels disconnected from his body he is carrying his guilt that his died has passed over. I am afraid that there isn't much you can do except be patient but you have I know March 2008 is 18 months but trust me I lost my dad too and 18 months is not long but as you say he can't talk about it at all. Is there any pictures of his dad in the house, you might try putting one up as a gesture and see his reaction to it. You also don't mention his relationship with his dad, did his dad make peace with his son, was there a letter, did they get on, did hid dad say something horrible before he died, what ever it is your man is carrying around some monster in his soul that is eating away at him. Inside he is tormented by pain but he does not know how to slay the beast of grief, it seems so big now like a giant dam with all his hurt behind it that the slightest mention of it is like your hitting the dam and whole lot will break and it will all come out at once and he will never come back from the pain, That is very scary, you or I cannot do this , he needs to see a councillor for this, the problem you face is getting him there, I would suggest you talk to your own GP first. Good luck and don't give up he loves you very much he is just lost inside a real bad place at the moment. Once he allows a little bit of that dam out the pressure must be released bit by bit... xx